7 Tips for a spiritual divorce
Divorce is difficult. I know first-hand as I am in the process of releasing a partner I was totally committed to for 29 years. My marriage lasted 27 of those and together we created a beautiful family and life together. In the end we had drifted too far apart to come back together and I realized it was time to go.
The separation was incredibly painful at first. Transformation often is. I am grateful for the spiritual tools I learned along the way. They have supported and empowered me through the process and will continue to do so. Here I’ll share some of those tools with you. If you are experiencing a life transformation, loss of any kind, or just facing an unknown future, I hope something here will help you.
First. I brought all my pain and uncertainty to nature. I walked the woods, meditated under the stars, cried on the forest floor. Some nights I grabbed a sleeping bag and slept outside on the grass. I just had to touch the earth, feel her solid support beneath my feet. You can try that too. Or you can run, walk, or meditate in nature.Immerse in water to cleanse away whatever needs to go. Water immersion can be taking a bath, jumping into the ocean, or dancing in the rain. One day, I climbed a tree to get a higher perspective. Try that! It will change the way you see things, and the breeze will blow away whatever you are struggling with. Nature soothes the nervous system. It will calm you, free of charge.
Second. I put self-care at the top of my list. I actually focused on what I needed. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Then do it. Now is not the time to give away your emotional, mental, or physical resources. Get familiar with your needs, whether they are being met, and how you can ensure they are met from now on. You must commit to self-love. Cry when you need to cry. Walk away when you need to walk away. Talk when that is what is needed most. Go to a yoga class if you need movement and flow. Get in the bath and light some candles if you need softness and TLC. Learning to clearly define what you need at any given moment is a skill that will help you as you reclaim your life. This is practice in getting to know your higher self and listening to your guides. Meet your needs from the wise loving place from which your guides inevitably see you.
Third is to stay in the present moment. In the three simple words immortalized by Ram Dass: Be here now. Don’t swim in memories or wallow in lost hopes. And do not under any circumstance get entangled in fear of the unknown. Just stay present. Breathe. At certain points in my process I was blindsided by panic attacks. I felt enormously afraid of everything. How would I survive? Where would I go? There were times when I literally feared for my survival. In those moments I would stop and ask myself, “Am I safe now? Is there a roof over my head? Is there food to eat?” Staying present allowed me to find small joys in the sadness. I was able to enjoy a sunset even though my life was falling apart. I could notice the way the light played on the trees after a rainfall. Small present moments brought me hope as I struggled with the specter of overwhelming hopelessness. Being here now showed me that I wasn’t broken, joy still existed, I could experience it, and hopelessness was not the truth.
Number four is this: feel all the feelings. Let them flow through you. Practice expressing what you feel in a healthy way, and don’t suppress any of it. Remember to allow yourself some grace as you walk this path. The path is difficult, rocky, full of potholes, shadows, twists, and turns. I had to get comfortable with screaming, curling up in the fetal position, and sobbing every last tear drop out of me. Sometimes I danced alone in the dark to awfully loud music. None of those things is usual for me. All of them helped me feel the lows and highs of the breakup, and they got the emotions moving through me so I could release them. You don’t have to be perfect at it. I was extremely messy at first. In fact, that kind of emotion is almost always messy. But you have tomust get through it. When you try to squash an emotion, it will lodge in your physical or energetic body and come back later. The last thing you will want to deal with is a soul retrieval five years after a breakup because you left a piece of you behind.
Fifth is to use the ancient tool of ecstasy to tap into an altered state where more information about the situation can surface. Ask for help from a higher source. Whatever way you reach that state when you are not thinking with your human brain, whether it be meditation, prayer, dance, running, etc., do it often. Ecstasy is a spiritual tool. When you are in a state beyond human thought, you meet your guides. They will remind you that you don’t have to go through this alone. Guiding you is their job.
The sixth tip is to stay in what is true. See the truth of what is happening. Take responsibility where you can. Be brutally honest with yourself about yourself at this time of transformation. Also be honest about your partner and what they are doing and expressing. Now is not the time to cling to an outdated blueprint of your life. Now is the time to admit everything that is fact. I tried everything I could to save my marriage. Then the day came when I had to be honest and admit that there was no saving possible. Whether I liked it or not, the truth was the marriage I remembered and wanted wasn’t the one I was in. On the three-dimensional level, it was over. On the spiritual level, it was intended and probably always had been. Source doesn’t work in my life blindly. Another truth I accepted was the belief that there was a reason for all of this. Even though I didn’t see it at the time. I fully trusted this leaving was making room for better.
Finally, I would urge you to find compassion for your partner, even if the breakup seems to be attributed to them and their actions. In the beginning, you may find it hard to stay in compassion for long. But if you practice daily, in little bits, you will get better at it. Radical compassion will free you from the trauma that might otherwise lodge in your body. It will help you recover more quickly and raise your vibration to where you truly want to live. It is easy to have compassion for those we care about, it is holy to have compassion for those we feel have wronged us. It was compassion that saved me—the compassion I felt for my husband as he was struggling to understand his own needs at this point in our lives. It showed me that I was capable of love even greater than I knew. It was proof that in the future I could find a love that matched me at that level.
You will get through this. I am stronger, wiser, and more authentic because of this transformation. I reclaimed parts of myself long forgotten in my role as wife. Today I laugh more often, dance freely, and live more passionately. I am hopeful for a future filled with joy and love. I wish the same for you.
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