Since mid-March, when we all began spinning our cocoons, I’ve had to reconcile the woman I became in the last few years with the woman I used to be when my family was home more. I needed to readjust to an earlier version of myself just when I was really happy with who I had become. I struggled with boundaries and resentments, with hurt and fear, and yet, I loved being together and the light and joy that returned to our home. I struggled with equitable work distribution and the desire to nurture. I struggled with loneliness and togetherness all at the same time. I have had to reconcile life without friends, then life with friends (virtually), then the realization that it’s all really the same.
It’s been difficult and I haven’t done the best job of it. I want to find the meaning in it all. I want to do the deep inner work and discover new truths about myself and my life. And yet...I don’t. I’m exhausted and empty most of the time. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin (the 9 extra pounds don’t help). I’m doing my best and some part of me keeps saying it’s not enough.
Some days I glimpse the “mojo” I used to feel regularly. That drive, the creative force that lifts me up and inspires me to greater heights. I somehow sense it just around the corner, I can feel it getting closer. I can almost reach out and touch it. Last night, I was genuinely happy. I listened to music and danced as I cooked for my family. I reached out to friends trying to spread the joy and, tragically, that didn’t work. I am reminded that while we are all in the same situation, not everyone is in the same rhythm. Some are up when others are down. Some are down when others are out. It’s a dance of understanding and loving kindness.
I am remembering to be in open-hearted acceptance of where everyone is and where I am. I’m trying not to close down or caretake others, trying not to feel the loneliness of isolation with and from others. Trying not to retreat into my shell, putting up the defenses so that no one can see the sorrow, disappointments, and even the joy—because you just don’t know where the other person might be in their own emotional chaos. I guess, like so many right now, I’m just trying to stay sane.
Today I choose to take a break from it all as I try to remember my better Self. Try to pull it all back together and find my center, fill my heart with love and openness, refocus on what I can rely on - Spirit - get back to living a life with meaning and purpose through my work. Deconstructed and reimagined, transformed into more. Which is what it feels like I, myself, am going through - a falling apart and deconstruction before the transformation. I know the “imaginal discs” are in place (see article below for a full explanation). I trust in the protein-rich soup that is all around me. I, and you, will transform.
For the scientific version of this transformation, check out this article from Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/caterpillar-butterfly-metamorphosis-explainer/